I have thought long and hard before posting what im about to post. Its pretty personal. I found an old blog that I had created in January of 2009. This was before I left my first husband, but it was only a couple weeks before I left...
I dont know why finding this blog has kind of set me back a little...becuase im in a great place compared to where I was before, I guess its just sad to look back and see how bad I felt then.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Or am I? I know on paper I am married. But as far as my emotions are concerned..im becoming more and more detached everyday. He stopped loving me a long time ago..and being pregnant and having a baby does not help the situation. Hormones, emotions, stretch marks...these are not things that usually go into repairing an already failed marriage. We moved too fast..and now I feel selfish and stupid for bringing a child into this sham of a relationship. I guess i was fooling myself into thinking that we were ok, and that he loved me. But that is just not the case. So now why am I here? So that Im not alone? I know that I have no chance at finding anyone now that I have a daughter and those pesky pregnancy pounds. I get worried that I cant take care of her on my own..and I guess that is why I stay. There is no love here..and its depressing as hell.
So that was my one blog entry. Im a little ashamed that I entertained the thought that I couldnt do it alone for even a minute. Becuase just a couple weeks after writing that, I did go out and do it on my own.
Its amazing how much things can change. This was written over three years ago, and when I wrote that I certainly didnt think I would be married to the love of my life with another child.
I dont really have a point in posting this, other than to just write it out..